Thursday, August 5, 2010

Monogamy Is A Joke

This culture is sexually uptight, and one example of this is the insistence that monogamy is the only model for relationship success. Anything else and you're a failure. The justifications for monogamy are basically just appeals to ego, and the use of shaming language whenever possible. There is really no rational reason why people should feel like they have to be monogamous. I mean, sure the one-man/one-woman model is a nice fantasy and sounds great on paper, but nowhere in human history has monogamy been the norm. People (men and women) have always wanted variety in sexual partners. Some more than others of course.

The fact that monogamy is so ingrained in people's expectations but not in their actions is an indication that something is very wrong

The truth is that the vast majority of people cannot handle the thought of their partners getting it on with someone else. In other words, those feelings that he (or she) is enjoying with you should not be enjoyed with anyone else. To that I say, why the hell not? Are good feelings like someone's intellectual property? Why the ban on someone else sharing them? Is it because you no longer feel that it's a special thing just between the two of you, and if there's someone else that makes it less special? Well, in that case, following that logic one can easily say that it was never special to begin with, for the simple reason that you both fucked other people before you met each other.

I find women in this culture cling especially hard to this notion of monogamy. The reason is because it is part-and-parcel with wanting it all. This culture encourages women to go after things and hold on to things and get more things. And it's all about YOU, girl. Therefore, the idea of sharing any of that wealth, either in the form of something shiny or in the form of feelings, with someone else, is unacceptable.

Women (and a lot of men) get insanely jealous if there's even a chance their partner is seeing anyone else. And that is all ego and pride-based, make no mistake. In their deluded minds, the good feelings they have with that person cannot be shared with anyone else. They belong solely to her (or him). In addition, because sex in this culture is still viewed as kind of dirty, that compounds the problem — i.e. "You're doing something dirty with someone else. You should only be doing it with me!"

However, a lot of people, sensing the bullshit, try to sneakily get around the monogamy restriction. They become serial daters. In other words, they enter into serially monogamous relationships, which end after a few months. And then on to the next one. This is still basically sleeping around, but without the overlap.

But the monogamy fantasy persists, and so very few people are able to overcome it, preferring to lie to themselves and pretending to want something which goes against their nature. And that's why we get all the cheating and sneaking around.

There are quite a few reasons, or rather, rhetoric thrown around as to why people should be monogamous. Let's examine them (and tear them apart):

Rhetoric: If you want to sleep with other people you're just being selfish.

Response: You can easily argue that it is just as selfish to want someone to only be with you, and restrict them that way. So the only difference is that Disney approves of one and not the other.

Rhetoric: If the other person is allowed to see other people it gives them license to screw around.

Response: The analogy here is that you will be letting an animal out of its cage and it will do "damage", or worse, get a dreaded taste of freedom, which will be impossible to reverse. So in that case you're right, it's better to not allow a "slave" to taste freedom because they just might like it, and that would be bad news for the slave master.

Rhetoric: You're just spreading disease.

Response: The magnitude and danger of STDs is greatly exaggerated by fear-mongers who have religious and moral agendas. My suggestion is to get educated from doctors in the sexual health field, as to the actual statistics and risks arising from sexual activity. You might be surprised! But in any case, always use condoms just to be as safe as possible.

Rhetoric: We're more than animals. You may as well kill and steal too since that could also be considered "natural".

Response: Promiscuity is far, far more common than murder or theft, or even crime in general. And promiscuity is basically just like making more friends, with physical intimacy added of course. It's not even close to being like killing or stealing.

Rhetoric: If that person wants to be with someone else that means you're not good enough.

Response: People like sexual variety. It has nothing to do with someone not being good enough.

Rhetoric: You want your cake and eat it too.

Response: That's a stupid saying whose only value is that it sounds catchy. But that doesn't make it a solid argument. It's like saying that commitment is akin to having the cake, and sleeping around is the same as eating it.

Rhetoric: People saying that they are wired for monogamy and giving the usual stock reasons for it (as stated above).

Response: It's funny how so many people are wired to use the same basic reasons as to why people should be monogamous. That hardly sounds like people's unique points of view on the subject. It sounds more like a socially conditioned perspective thrust on to a feeble-minded populace.

In my view, this society is not even close to coming to terms with promiscuity. It just hasn't fully matured yet. However, places like France, for example, are way ahead of us in their views towards sex. We would do well to take notes from them, and not our neighbours south of the border.

In closing, here's a final irony which many in the monogamy camp will probably not understand. The more you try to hold on to someone by way of restricting them, the more likely you will lose them.


Anonymous said...

This is excellent. It seems more and more people are becoming so holy and chaste...such a bandwagon. I'm married 11 years and have always been faithful. I was a little wild in my early 20's and occasionally flirted. I never had so much as a one night stand w/ a guy w/ gf, technically, cuz I didn't want to hurt women in relationships. But I've come to realize women are very harsh and judging no matter how minor your past. It seems to be some kind of power trip,and a collective one at that. I have no respect for that. I'm much more open-minded and don't look down on people who have affairs or whatever. It is their right as a human being. I actually wish my husband would since we have absolutely ZERO sexual chemistry. I don't think people will ever be mature or open-minded enough to think outside the box on this topic. 99.9999% of people I met are very Christian, very monogamous, very moral and very SHUNNING of people who've made mistakes. How very sad. Personally I'm atheist/agnostic. I'm a rare breed of woman. I still wish for a committed relationship someday. My current one is not even a relationship but I'm in it for the kids right now. I'm very loyal and would never cheat. Someday I would like to have a loving and beautiful relationship, maybe even with a woman who knows? But she'd have to be as cool as me, I can't stand those mean, nasty *itches. I like men better, sweet and true ones.

Anonymous said...

Still sounds pretty judgy which isn't very rare. You want to bang everyone you can catch, fantastic! But grow a real pair/vag to tell your partners BEFORE you do. If you have enough guts to dis people for daring not wanting to be emotionally stomped you should be able to strap on your big girl/boy panties to be up front about it. After all - you're all so enlightened - yes?

Anonymous said...

Awesome piece nothing but facts.