Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Good Looks Myth

I regularly get compliments on my looks, from both men and women. Usually the people giving the compliments assume that it must be easy for me to get women, because I'm so "good looking". It's hard for them to imagine that this is not the case. And in fact, it is not the case. Most times women will give me a second look but that's where it usually ends, and things progress no further.

Now, to be honest, there are times when my looks will help, and women will make it very easy for me to have sex with them as a result. But there are also quite a few times when women will have their guard up as a result of my looks. They practically assume I'm a slick player who will "pick them up" if they're not careful. So up goes the shield. Most guys won't know what I'm talking about here since most guys don't set off the bitch shield just by their looks alone. So in a way I'm in a unique position. I get to observe how much good looks help, and don't help. And my conclusion is that good looks are a double-edged sword. They can help but also hurt, as proven by the fact that I don't hook up nearly as much as many people seem to think.

The problem as I see it, is this:

Many women look at me and assume that I am getting a lot of girls, and they feel threatened by that, so their natural reaction is to avoid me. But ironically, if all women were to think this way I would never hook up. Fortunately, not all women think this way. But many do, and the result is that many women avoid me.

The only group of women I hook up with are the ones who don't care who else I might be fucking. This is the cream of the crop of women (relatively speaking), since they are the most confident, intelligent women who are not possessive and have no agendas.

In some ways I feel that my looks have given me a unique vantage point on female behaviour. Since so many people assume you need looks to get girls, I am proof that this is not the case. Furthermore, I know that lack of attraction is not the main issue guys are up against in the dating world. If it were I would be getting laid like a rock star. And the fact that I am not means that the obstacles men are facing are mostly related to personality issues women have, and not how attractive women find them. Many (most) women in this part of the world have psychological and social issues, which prevent them from meeting men on a healthy level. Being good looking does not erase this fact, and can sometimes aggravate it, as I explained already.

This becomes most evident when I see that a girl is attracted to me (smiling at me, giving me signals, etc.) and when I make a move the walls come up. This tells me that attraction was not a choice, and that she couldn't help but show it, but when it came time to do something about it, she sabotaged her efforts due to her own personal issues; such as psychological problems, insecurities, timid-ness, etc. Some will think I'm full of shit, and that the girls aren't attracted and I'm seeing things that aren't there. And yet, this has happened to me many times in the past, with great consistency. So in other words, I was there and you weren't.

Here's something else to think about. If you're a woman, chances are you see attractive guys wherever you go. Why is it so hard to believe that one of those guys could have an opinion the same as mine?

Lastly, imagine a situation where you see a good looking guy, and you tell yourself that, although he's hot, you'd best avoid him, since chances are he's already getting lots of girls and you would be another "notch" for him. Now imagine if all girls were to think this way. What do you think would happen then? It isn't hard to comprehend that this guy would never hook up. It's the ultimate irony.

Remember, things aren't always as they seem.

Personally, I have found the solution is for me to embrace the guy that women think I am, just because it's who I want to be anyway — you know, the guy who sees different women; the guy who is a player. Any attempt to hide this is useless anyway, as it just means more work on my part and more bullshit. So ladies, what you see is what you get. If you can't deal with it, then step out of the way and make room for the women who can.


Dennis said...

I feel you on this, because I've had the same dilemma. If you're a good-looking guy who dresses sexy, carries himself strong and with confidence, it scares the shit out of some women. They may feel that they won't have much control over you because they perceive you as having sexual CHOICE, so they steer clear, so instead they go for the average-looking guy who they think will appreciate them more because they have beautiful woman on their arm. I say fuck 'em! I can't stand scary ass girls, insecure girls, cowardly girls, and dumb girls. I like CONFIDENT women. Women who are not afraid to TAKE RISKS, not some dainty ass broad that's afraid and worried about everything.

About your previous articles about the girl making it easy for YOU, I'm experiencing this right now. I hooked up with a girl that I met at Bar Louie and our interactions have been pretty much seamless. Whenever I ask her out somewhere, she JUMPS at the opportunity, whenever I want to do, she cooperates with it. When we're out, she shows enthusiasm for me and what we're doing. It's easy. There's no obstacles, no bullshit, no game-playing. She likes me, I like her, and we just do the damn thing. It can't get much more ideal than that. Anything less than total cooperation from the women you're dating is just bullshit. Like you said before, if she doesn't make it easy for YOU, bail out. If she puts obstacles in your path, bail out.

John said...

Hey Dennis, I've been meaning to post on this for a while, and I'm glad I did because it's such a false belief that looks are the end-all be-all. I can't tell you how many times I've told guys that looks don't help that much. But they think I'm just being modest. So I'm glad to hear we're on the same boat on this.

Isn't it great when you do meet a woman that completely goes along with you and doesn't throw up all kinds of awkward resistance for whatever reason? No doubt your current experience is reinforcing the belief that girls MUST make it easy for you, otherwise it's a waste of time. Once you have a taste of that you simply refuse to go back. Now if only all guys were to expect nothing less of women, we would have a game changer.

Regarding the looks thing, one thing I have found is that I have to really keep it low key when I approach. If I go in a bit too aggressive it can set off the bitch shield. So it's not a big calibration and fortunately it just means I get to do less (and I'm all for doing less, not more, where women are concerned). Maybe you noticed this too, that it helps you to keep it really relaxed and casual as opposed to bold and aggressive (?)

Dennis said...

This next level of understanding about American women makes me less tolerant of silly behavior, which is why I tend to be attracted to older women (I'm 31). Younger girls are just too fucking random and caught up in their own shit to be even worth the effort of a sport fuck. But if I must fuck with a younger chick, there must be total cooperation.

Case in point. I listen to Tariq Nasheed's podcasts a lot (, and he stated recently that asking a woman for her phone number is pretty much irrelevant, because if you're asking for her number and she gives it to you, she's probably not all that interested in you, and she may get off on the knowledge that guys are sweating her and calling her. However, if you give her your number and she calls YOU, then she's 100% interested, and you can work from there. Brent also stated in one of his recent recordings that the vibe between you and a woman is better if she comes after YOU.

A few weeks ago I met this girl where I worked. I had seen her and talked to her months before. She was an Italian chick, about a 7.5 I asked for her phone number, with what Tariq had said firmly in my mind, and it turned out exactly how I expected - I texted her and never got a response. This is the type of shit that would frustrate me to no end in the past, but now I fully understand why women behave this way. They are so used to guys sweating them and chasing them, that they automatically are on the defensive. They are ALWAYS playing defense. So I say fuck that. You come after ME. You let ME know that you are down to fuck with ME or give me some signal. You give me any fucking resistance I will bail. I'm not about to chase your ass. No pussy is worth a lot of effort - I don't care who the woman is. All this chastity shit is a charade, because you and I both know that when they meet a guy that they REALLY want, those panties are going to drop faster than Usain Bolt - and that's the truth.

John said...

haha yeah, if they REALLY want you the sex is yours to refuse.

I agree that asking for a girls number is low yield. The only time I would call a girl is if she volunteered her number. In other words, she made the first move and I'm just reciprocating interest.

But to ask her and come from that all too familiar position in her mind, that's just powerlessness waiting to happen.

Weeks ago I talked to this girl at a club and she seemed pretty into me. She was with her friend, and I hung out with them both for a good part of the night. They seemed more open and intelligent than the usual girls. Turns out they were flight attendants back in the day, so I think some worldly experience is what makes some women better than others. Anyway...

I was going over in my mind on how to go about closing the girl that seemed most into me. So when it was time to go our separate ways I gave her my number and told her that the next time she was in town she should call me and we can hang out. She countered that by saying that she's "traditional" and she doesn't call first. Okay fine, I busted her a bit on that, and then I entered her number in my cell.

A week later I send her a text and tell her it was nice meeting her and we should be in touch. So I'm baiting her right? She promptly responds and tells me that it was nice meeting me too. We exchange a few more friendly texts after that, and then I stop texting (I didn't hint at all at getting together). I figured if she wanted to walk through the door she would have. I never texted her again after that. A few days later I deleted her number from my cell, as I had no intention of ever reaching out to her again. She was either not that interested or did not want to do her part. Sure I could have chased, persisted, whatever, and maybe there's a slim chance that I would have banged her. BUT it's precisely that clinging to hope that fucks you up, 'cause maybe just maybe...well screw that. If anything, why isn't she fretting over the potential opportunity to hook up with ME? Once you pretend the situation is reversed it becomes crystal clear when you've done enough.

kyle said...

OK guys I totally used to think this but then I realized my problem was my geographic location. You've got to go where there are more "cream of the crop" women. Good looks is so not a curse at all when you're in the right place, and when you don't make yourself out to be too appealing.

Where not to go: Anywhere in the Midwest or Bible Belt.

Where to go: Southern Cali, Miami, or Manhattan. Also if you speak Spanish try Seville, Ibiza, or Marbella.

Next, consider this strategy: get a crew of women to hang out with who you flirt with but do not shag. When you hit the town with them their admiration and desire for you are instantly noticeable by other competitive top notch women. Those women will be falling all over themselves to get in your ear when you're waiting in line at the bathroom or the bar.

Never bother getting phone numbers, unless it's after you've already shagged on the first night. Talk to a couple of beautiful women, get a name, tell 'em you'll see 'em around, and go back to your seat. In the bars with your crew of hopefuls, wait for the sensual tramp who wants to take you home and bask in your incredible good looks and let you shag her senseless. Don't worry about whether she gets off, either. You've got to learn how to "treat them mean and keep them keen." The disadvantage of your good looks is only a disadvantage if you make yourself out to be husband material. Too attentive in bed = gives women long term hopes. You don't want those.

In all aspects you've got to espouse the player mentality. You're not going to meet any keepers or shag any girls next door this way, but that's the hand God dealt you, so get on with the game and stop whining. Be a dick who shags idiot models and competitive tramps. You'll be glad you did.