Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Balancing Your Life With Meeting Women

It's been on my mind for a long time how I can balance meeting women with maintaining a fulfilling life, which doesn't involve women. For a few years now I have strived to make women a byproduct of my life, while still being successful with them. My main motivation for doing this is to remove all the wasted effort and minimize the time spent with women who are a waste of time (which happens to be a lot of women). My first exposure to this kind of thinking was hearing Brent from the David DeAngelo interviews, in which he talked about not pursuing women and making women a byproduct of a naturally fulfilling life. He was the first person who actually talked about "non-pickup" as a way to meet women. It was a breath of fresh air, since I had reached a point where I was fed up with community concepts and wanted to be free of them, since they were far too draining on my mind and soul. It signaled the beginning of my paradigm shift, from being intently focused on getting women to not caring at all if I get them (while still meeting them).

And so I began my transformation. It was an important process, as it added an important dimension to my thinking, which up till then had been too one-sided. I think of it as going from Conservative to more Socialist in terms of shifting of viewpoints. Of course, neither side is completely right or wrong, but at least I was able to encompass more perspective in the way I viewed women and dating.

I think now I'm more moderate in my views. I'm much more capable of seeing a broader range of perspectives and separating reality from personal beliefs, simply because I'm the kind of person who questions things and is not averse to change. So I won't cling to an old way of thinking just to save face. If something doesn't work, it doesn't work, and I'll fix it.

I apply the same scrutiny to Brent's teachings as well. Even though he is, by far, one of the best guys to learn from just because of his healthy outlook, and empowering methods, there are still a few flaws in his thinking. For example, he says calling women is giving away your power. That's a blanket statement, and he doesn't seem to want to go any deeper than that. So for a while, after first hearing Brent, I had this nagging feeling that if I call a girl I am giving away my power. But after getting some more experience of my own I realized that this is not necessarily the case. Yes, there are times when calling a girl is giving away your power, just because of the particular dynamics of that situation (e.g. you are chasing her). But let's say a girl shows interest in you first and then gives you her number. According to Brent, you shouldn't call her. But I say that it's okay to call her because you are reciprocating interest. It's give-and-take. Of course, the problem is that most times there is no give-and-take. The guy has to do all or most of the work. So my view is that if you are giving more than you are taking then you are giving away your power, and it just so happens that calling a girl first is very common with guys who are giving away their power. But correlation is not necessarily causality. You have to look at the big picture.

My view is, if men apply the give-and-take concept, that will solve almost all their problems where women are concerned. The first thing that would happen is that men would stop chasing and persisting. The second thing is that they would expect women to do their part. So give-and-take is essentially forced equality.

The nice thing about this concept is that it alerts you to a sense of fairness where dating and women are concerned.

It is perhaps ironic that in learning about indifference I became more sensitive to the dynamics that go on between men and women, and more critical of things that I would at one time have embraced as being unconditionally true. So I feel that it is the paradigm shift of moving away from pursuer-mode, and not due to the nature of indifference, that caused me to develop the perspective I currently have. Indifference was just a catalyst for this process.

However, indifference by itself is not the only solution. It is a major part of the "salvation" you might say, but there are more issues to consider.

I have realized that total indifference all the time is not reasonable. Every single species, when looking for a mate, does so with intent. So it's not reasonable to take the extreme view that meeting women must always be a 100% byproduct of your life all the time. So adding some intent is only natural. However, you must not add too much intent since that crosses over into the needy/desperate category, and we know what happens when that occurs. So you have to add just enough intent to motivate you to talk to women you wouldn't talk to otherwise. And along with this intent, you also need a carefree mindset where you don't care too much if you get the girl or not. The desire is there, but it's on a low burn. So even if nothing happens, you are cool with it.

It's just a matter of getting the mix right. And for each person that comes down to trial and error.

The other thing is, you want to make things as easy for yourself as possible, such as only choosing a club that you enjoy going to, which has a fun atmosphere, and where the women are at least somewhat friendly. Not all clubs are created equal in this regard. So choose your clubs wisely. I have found that it's best to stay away from the more upscale clubs where people go to "be and be seen". They are full of pretentious snotty women. It's much better to go to a more casual place, that has good music, and has a layout which allows hookups to happen without everyone else in the club noticing; such as with separate rooms, darker, etc. In well-lit clubs that don't have separate rooms (i.e. everything is in the open) women are more self-conscious since they feel that everyone can see them if they hook up, and they will sabotage your efforts to meet them, even if they like you.

So how much of your life should you devote to meeting women?

That largely depends on you, but I think you should keep it to a minimum, since there are so many other things in life besides women.

I personally think it's a good rule-of-thumb to devote about 5% of your life to meeting women. This translates into 4-8 hours a week.

So I will spend 4-8 hours a week meeting women, with intent. And the best place to do this is at the clubs, since it's the most efficient. Clubs and bars have the highest concentration of women. Daytime pickup is out of the question for me since I have never gotten it to work (which I posted about before). And if it did work it would probably take a lot more time to get the same results as I would in a club, since the women are more "spread out". But with a club you can do a lot of work in a short time, and even create competition between women who see you talking to other women.

But like I said before, it's important to choose a fun club with friendly-er women, so even if nothing happens you at least have a good time. The important thing is to get as many things working in your favor as possible, while avoiding as many obstacles as possible.

You can also use the online personals to meet women, but it's best to let them message you and rarely send messages yourself.

The rest of the time outside of this 4-8 hour window I focus on my own projects and interests, and I don't even think about women. Furthermore, outside of this time window I treat meeting women as a 100% byproduct. In other words, I have no intent to meet women as I go to the mall, bookstore, etc. But if a good opportunity comes up I'll take it; such as a girl standing next to me, and eyeing me up and down. But otherwise, I won't make any effort at all to meet women outside this 4-8 hour window.

This is nice because it operates on the concept of schedule. You schedule an important part of life to fit into a certain time window (like exercise) and the rest of the time you don't think about it.

The difficulty I had before was that I would be focused on making women a 100% byproduct of my life all the time, so that if I ever meet them, I should never have any intent behind it (100% outcome independent). But the problem with this approach is the sheer randomness of it, and because there's no deliberate action to change your situation (since that would make you outcome dependent), you tend to get discouraged. The conflict is in wanting to meet women, but also in wanting to follow the indifference (outcome independent) way of life. Now, if women came to me, being totally indifferent would be okay. But they don't do that. They are far too passive in this part of the world, so this entails that I must do something, even if it's minimal. And the only way is for me to add some intent to the mix. This has the effect of making me more proactive, and in some ways more attractive, since I am deliberately talking to more women. But because I am not that attached to the outcome, people will see me as more of a fun person. And as a result, they tend to make it easier for you to talk to them. Some will even go so far as helping you hook up with their friends. Yes, this has happened before.

It's just a matter of getting the desire-indifference mix right, and getting as many things as possible working in your favor (e.g. choosing the right club).

Let's face it, women are a normal part of life, and it's natural to put in some effort to be with them. But I also know from past experience that I have to temper my desire with a healthy level of indifference, just not total 100% indifference. Think of it as going to buy a snack. You go to the store because you want a snack and that's where the snacks are, but at the same time you aren't needy for the snack. And if you don't find the snack you want, you won't be that upset. You'll just move on. This is the level of desire you want with women. Not too much, not too little.


Anonymous said...

There are clubs with friendly-er women in Toronto? Does one of them have a portal that magically transports you to Montreal?

John said...

I don't live in Toronto anymore. But when I was living there I would often go to Crocodile Rock, downtown. That was the best place in my opinion. Lots of women from out of town and even from out of country.