Sunday, June 7, 2009

Being Yourself

The age-old puzzle: Women tell men to "be yourself" and when guys are themselves they don't get women. What the hell is going on? Well, women aren't lying when they are telling you this, but they aren't telling you the whole truth either. Being yourself only works if you are not acting in ways which make you look like you're not being yourself. Read that again if you have to. What this means is that a lot of the learned behaviour men display around women, such as unnecessary compliments, buying dinner, bragging, etc is not a reflection of who they really are. Men go through this as a matter of formality, or ritual in hopes that it will get them somewhere. Needless to say, women can usually tell that you are not coming from an authentic place when you are doing these things. In other words, they can tell you are not being yourself. So when they say be yourself they are generally saying, don't pay them unnecessary compliments, buy them dinner, brag, or buy their affection. If you do this, it's the wrong kind of being yourself. That's not to say there aren't dinner whores who want to be wined and dined. There are, quite a few. But we don't care about them. We only care about the women who genuinely want men to be honest and upfront and not act like something they are not in order to impress them.

The difficulty is that many men think they actually are being themselves when they are going through the traditional dating ritual, and doing what they've been taught to do where women are concerned. So it's understandable that they feel as if they are being lied to when told to "be themselves". Well hopefully you now understand what's going on.

Admittedly, some men won't know how to act around women if they are not doing the usual things like paying compliments, buying dinner etc. It's as if they are left empty handed and have nothing to work with. So what the heck are they going to do on a date? The first thing to do is get out of the dating mindset. Go on a non-date instead; meet for drinks, keep the conversation light. Act like you would act with a guy friend. This is not a typo. When you're with a woman simply treat her like a buddy. Chances are that when you're with your buddies you are generally being yourself anyway, since you're not trying to impress them, meaning you're generally relaxed about the situation. This is the mindset you want with women. The only thing you do extra which you (obviously) don't do with your guy friends is you throw in some occasional flirting, and you (maybe) have sex with her. So for example, you chat, talk about current events, sports, throw in a flirtatious/sexual comment, maybe feel her up a bit too, and then go back to normal conversation. And then maybe go back to your place (or hers) and fuck.

Here's the basic formula for being yourself around women:

Being yourself around women = (hang out somewhere inexpensive and low-key) + (conversations you would have with your guy friends) + (occasional flirting) + (sex)

That's it. It's pretty simple. But it will be hard to follow at first as you start undoing the bad programming you've been taught. You will naturally have a tendency to revert back to your old behaviour, especially in times of uncertainty and stress. So just hang in there and eventually the new and improved system will be internalized.

No comments: