Sunday, May 31, 2009

Club Dynamics

There's an interesting social dynamic that commonly occurs in bars and clubs. The men generally have open body language towards the women, while the women generally have closed body language towards the men.

The men tend to be facing towards the women, trying to establish eye contact, while the women are usually huddled in their groups trying to avoid eye contact.

Basically this means that the men are receptive to meeting the women but the women are unreceptive to meeting the men (usually).

Personally, I find it completely intolerable that men are responsible for reaching out to women under these circumstances. Would you start a business partnership with someone who was difficult to talk to? More than likely you'd tell them to take a hike.

So why do women do this? That's the million dollar question. My personal opinion is that it's a form of groupthink brought on by the negative stigma of the "club scene". Women habitually conduct themselves according to social cues, whether they are valid or not. Women are less socially robust than men so they are more likely to follow a herd mentality than a man. They tend to model their actions by the way other people behave.

Furthermore, in this politically correct modern society there are not many checks and balances allowing for criticism of women. It's one of the results of feminism. A formerly oppressed group, in the name of liberation, is sometimes allowed to operate with impunity. This means that it is not politically correct to criticize them, else you be faced with accusations of discrimination (e.g. misogyny), and intent to do them harm the same way they had experienced in the past.

As an analogy, feminism discourages criticism of women the same way the holocaust discourages criticism of Jews for their actions in the world today. This creates favoritism and a sense that these people are always in the right -- they were once oppressed after all!

The result is that former victims (in the name of equality) are discouraged from critical self-evaluation aimed at fixing their own flaws. As a result, some adopt a narcissistic self-righteousness that they are right and others are wrong. And God forbid they are ever criticized because that would threaten to bring things back to the way they were, and we can't have that! It's a logical flaw.

But I digress. Back to the bar and club situation.

Women are taught that it's okay to act socially inept in these environments, and men (the former oppressors) are told to suck it up, usually because complaining about it makes them less of a man (a red herring). Women are generally not encouraged to do their share, and take matters into their own hands to improve their dating lives. Instead, many adopt a passive, arrogant attitude that they are never to blame if things don't work out. And with critical self-analysis discouraged, destructive behaviour among females is allowed to flourish in this day and age.

So as a man, what do you do when you're in a club environment?

First, realize that for the reasons stated there are a lot of damaged women, and clubs are one of the showcases for them. Secondly, realize that you can't fix them, or even hope to relate to them on a healthy level for any length of time. So you can only screen for the better ones who will be good company for the short term, and in a few cases the long term. But in reality, most women are best suited for the short term. That's because the longer you stay with them the deeper down the rabbit hole you go, and the greater the chance you will discover something very wrong. Truly good women are a small minority. So set your expectations low, have fun, and if you're like me, only have casual relationships from the get-go. Trust me, it's one of the sanest strategies, especially in a city like Toronto.

And third, realize that nothing will happen unless women make it easy for you. You can spend all night approaching lots of women but the only ones you connect with are the ones that make it easy for you to meet them. Sometimes guys will say that they used "tight game" and that's what got the girl, but it wasn't really that, it was that the women made it easy, and after lots of approaches they found the one that made it easy for them. Your ego might not like to hear this but it's almost always the case.

Look at it this way, nothing happens between two people unless they make it easy for each other to interact. So if a girl you're not attracted to wanted to hook up with you, would she succeed? No, she wouldn't. So only focus your energies on making yourself visible and approachable, and let the women who are interested and willing to act on that interest step up to the plate.

How do you do this?

There are a few things you can do. First, make yourself visible. Don't tuck yourself in a corner of the club hoping to meet someone. Get out there.

Walk through the dance floor, stand near the bar, etc. But don't walk around endlessly either, just once in a while. The key is to make yourself visible but don't overdo it. As you're making your rounds, look women in the eye and smile. If they don't look at you and smile in return, keep walking. If they do smile, say hi and ask them how they're doing, and go from there.

You can also bring your guy friends along to make the experience more enjoyable. The idea here is that you spend some of your time just being social with your friends (not just trying to meet girls). And when talking to your buddies, make sure you face them. Don't face the groups of women. Who's more important? Bros before hos. Chances are that some women will notice you having a good time chilling with your buddies and will deliberately stand near you, and give you eye contact. If women see you having a good time with other people, you can bet that some of them will want in. Again, it's the herd mentality at work, but this time in your favor. Once this happens they will make it easy for you to meet them. And you won't have to do much work.

If you don't have friends who will come with you to the club, you can make new friends while you're there. Guys are relatively easy to befriend. Just ask them how they're doing, and go from there. And maybe you can hang out with them the next time you go out.

And finally, relax. Don't be outcome dependent. Have fun at the club you're at. So make sure the club has an atmosphere you like, such as good music, good vibe etc. This way you're not just going there to meet women. So no matter what happens, you'll have a good time.


Dennis said...

Dude, this shit is so on point, I could cry. Like you said, guys are EASY. If you carry yourself and converse like a cool guy, 90 percent of guys will talk to you. And what you said about women watching you interact is very true. One night a few weeks back I brought a friend along and when we got to the spot we were facing each other, talking. About 10 minutes later this hot sex blonde buys us drinks from across the room.

Phil Atio said...

Damn, John, this was awesome, you deserve like a fucking talks show or something, you'd be like the fucking men version of oprah. Feminnist would boycott your show because men stop chasing down women and they'd actually have to show some self worth.

You know I even think back to when I ran game, and I been opposing you on your game doesn't work theory. But now when I think about it, it is true, even when I did get a hot girl it is because she made it easy for me. In fact the only time I ever get a girl who didn't make it "Easy" was when she was pretending not to be interested but started arguments because she really was.

Your 100% right, the only time you get a girl is when she is already interested in you anyways, so in theory game is technically useless. However in practice game can be used to get a woman who would not be interested in you to otherwise like you. Ever see a really hot girl with a average of even creepy guy. If he ain't rich it is because he ran game and was able to get her to that point. Without game most men will not be able to get the girl to want to start the relationship. You can use game to get the girl to just be your friend and then move into being lovers later or vice versa.