Sunday, May 31, 2009

Club Dynamics

There's an interesting social dynamic that commonly occurs in bars and clubs. The men generally have open body language towards the women, while the women generally have closed body language towards the men.

The men tend to be facing towards the women, trying to establish eye contact, while the women are usually huddled in their groups trying to avoid eye contact.

Basically this means that the men are receptive to meeting the women but the women are unreceptive to meeting the men (usually).

Personally, I find it completely intolerable that men are responsible for reaching out to women under these circumstances. Would you start a business partnership with someone who was difficult to talk to? More than likely you'd tell them to take a hike.

So why do women do this? That's the million dollar question. My personal opinion is that it's a form of groupthink brought on by the negative stigma of the "club scene". Women habitually conduct themselves according to social cues, whether they are valid or not. Women are less socially robust than men so they are more likely to follow a herd mentality than a man. They tend to model their actions by the way other people behave.

Furthermore, in this politically correct modern society there are not many checks and balances allowing for criticism of women. It's one of the results of feminism. A formerly oppressed group, in the name of liberation, is sometimes allowed to operate with impunity. This means that it is not politically correct to criticize them, else you be faced with accusations of discrimination (e.g. misogyny), and intent to do them harm the same way they had experienced in the past.

As an analogy, feminism discourages criticism of women the same way the holocaust discourages criticism of Jews for their actions in the world today. This creates favoritism and a sense that these people are always in the right -- they were once oppressed after all!

The result is that former victims (in the name of equality) are discouraged from critical self-evaluation aimed at fixing their own flaws. As a result, some adopt a narcissistic self-righteousness that they are right and others are wrong. And God forbid they are ever criticized because that would threaten to bring things back to the way they were, and we can't have that! It's a logical flaw.

But I digress. Back to the bar and club situation.

Women are taught that it's okay to act socially inept in these environments, and men (the former oppressors) are told to suck it up, usually because complaining about it makes them less of a man (a red herring). Women are generally not encouraged to do their share, and take matters into their own hands to improve their dating lives. Instead, many adopt a passive, arrogant attitude that they are never to blame if things don't work out. And with critical self-analysis discouraged, destructive behaviour among females is allowed to flourish in this day and age.

So as a man, what do you do when you're in a club environment?

First, realize that for the reasons stated there are a lot of damaged women, and clubs are one of the showcases for them. Secondly, realize that you can't fix them, or even hope to relate to them on a healthy level for any length of time. So you can only screen for the better ones who will be good company for the short term, and in a few cases the long term. But in reality, most women are best suited for the short term. That's because the longer you stay with them the deeper down the rabbit hole you go, and the greater the chance you will discover something very wrong. Truly good women are a small minority. So set your expectations low, have fun, and if you're like me, only have casual relationships from the get-go. Trust me, it's one of the sanest strategies, especially in a city like Toronto.

And third, realize that nothing will happen unless women make it easy for you. You can spend all night approaching lots of women but the only ones you connect with are the ones that make it easy for you to meet them. Sometimes guys will say that they used "tight game" and that's what got the girl, but it wasn't really that, it was that the women made it easy, and after lots of approaches they found the one that made it easy for them. Your ego might not like to hear this but it's almost always the case.

Look at it this way, nothing happens between two people unless they make it easy for each other to interact. So if a girl you're not attracted to wanted to hook up with you, would she succeed? No, she wouldn't. So only focus your energies on making yourself visible and approachable, and let the women who are interested and willing to act on that interest step up to the plate.

How do you do this?

There are a few things you can do. First, make yourself visible. Don't tuck yourself in a corner of the club hoping to meet someone. Get out there.

Walk through the dance floor, stand near the bar, etc. But don't walk around endlessly either, just once in a while. The key is to make yourself visible but don't overdo it. As you're making your rounds, look women in the eye and smile. If they don't look at you and smile in return, keep walking. If they do smile, say hi and ask them how they're doing, and go from there.

You can also bring your guy friends along to make the experience more enjoyable. The idea here is that you spend some of your time just being social with your friends (not just trying to meet girls). And when talking to your buddies, make sure you face them. Don't face the groups of women. Who's more important? Bros before hos. Chances are that some women will notice you having a good time chilling with your buddies and will deliberately stand near you, and give you eye contact. If women see you having a good time with other people, you can bet that some of them will want in. Again, it's the herd mentality at work, but this time in your favor. Once this happens they will make it easy for you to meet them. And you won't have to do much work.

If you don't have friends who will come with you to the club, you can make new friends while you're there. Guys are relatively easy to befriend. Just ask them how they're doing, and go from there. And maybe you can hang out with them the next time you go out.

And finally, relax. Don't be outcome dependent. Have fun at the club you're at. So make sure the club has an atmosphere you like, such as good music, good vibe etc. This way you're not just going there to meet women. So no matter what happens, you'll have a good time.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Why Men Lose Interest After Sex

Many women mistakenly believe that the only reason guys lose interest after sex is because they gave it up too soon. While this is true sometimes, there are other reasons as well. One reason is that the men only wanted to have sex one time, and then move on. So witholding sex will not change this outcome.

Another reason is, men lose interest because the women have difficult personalities. Let's look at this one more closely. Some women have difficult personalities, and guys will put up with them until they get the sex, and then they will bail shortly after. If these women had sex after one date or several dates the result would have been the same - the men would have ditched them regardless.

Sometimes, these women mistakenly assume that the solution is to hold out on sex even longer the next time. It never occurs to them that they are the problem.

If the cycle of fuck-and-dump continues, it can feed increasingly neurotic behaviour. These women can become increasingly demanding before and after they have sex with a man, needing constant attention and affirmation from the men that they will stick around. This of course has the opposite effect, driving the men away, which in turn can further compound the problem, causing the women to further "ratchet" up their efforts. The result is an insanely demanding woman who pulls out all the stops, even by going so far as screening men right away to make sure they can provide all that she needs, so that she doesn't "waste time". It's a sick cycle.

As men, you need to trust your instincts. If a woman shows signs of insecurity and possessiveness at the beginning, she is most likely a time bomb ready to explode. So cut your losses early.

Chivalry Only Works In A Patriarchy

Now that women have gained equal rights, it's no longer necessary for men to be chivalrous. The special treatment consisting of holding doors open, buying gifts, buying her dinner, and so on, only make sense if women are in a lower social class than men. It's a form of generosity, and a way of humbling yourself to someone who is below you in the social hierarchy.

But nowadays, because women are in the same social class as men (in western societies) it makes no sense to humble yourself to them. If you do, it's basically giving them special treatment (and in extreme cases, "ass kissing"). Naturally, given the current social reality, this behaviour creates a sense of entitlement in many women. And it is presumed by these women that this practice should continue using the excuse that it's part of "tradition". But the chivalry card is no longer justified in a society where men and women both have the same rights and privileges.

Back in the time of patriarchies, chivalry was considered as the man winning over the "fair lady". But nowadays this behaviour is considered as the man trying to get the "hot babe". This is no longer coming from a position of strength, but is coming from a position of subservience, and supplication. And also, the attitude of women towards this behaviour is different than it once was. At one time women would have genuinely appreciated it given their lower position in the social ladder. But now, women are more likely to regard it as redundant, and in some cases an entitlement (i.e. the spoiled princess syndrome).

So, know that chivalry is totally unnecessary in this day and age. You can do without it. But if you do decide to use it make sure you are coming from the right place. Make sure you are coming from a place of strength and generosity. And make sure your time (and money) is valued by the women who receive your good will. And if you find that it is not, stop doing it.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Dealing With Flaky Women

When a woman flakes on me I normally don't bother rescheduling another meet. I'll listen to her reason (excuse) and then cut my losses, usually.

If a woman flakes on you, chances are good that she is not that interested in meeting you. But women normally don't have the guts to tell you that so instead they will take the easy way out and just cancel on you. It's a basic passive-aggressive strategy used by women who can't take responsibility for their behaviour, which happens to be a lot of women.

Now, there are those few times when the reason for cancellation is legitimate. For example, a family emergency. But if her reason is somewhat vague, like something came up last minute or whatever, then that's a pretty good indication that whatever came up had a higher priority than you. Also keep in mind that whatever came up was after she had made plans with you. So she cancelled a previous commitment (you) in favor of something (or someone) more recent. It's basically like telling someone at the front of the line that someone further back gets in before you, even though you were there first.

The other reason a woman may flake is because she wants you to meet her on her terms. For example, if a woman wants you to drive 50 miles to see her but you insist on meeting somewhere closer to you, she will agree but then flake on you last minute, as if to give you the hint that she is used to guys coming to her. Again, it's a passive-aggressive strategy. With these women, they will keep flaking on you until you give up or you do things on their terms.

But like I said, there are those times when a woman has a legitimate reason and articulates it well (e.g. family emergency), and you can tell she genuinely wants to make it up to you. In this case the best strategy is to simply let her suggest a new place/time. Let her do more of the work. Remember, you got ready for nothing the first time so your time was basically wasted, and even though her reason was legitimate there's no reason you should repeat your efforts. You can afford to slack a bit and let her do more of the work in rescheduling.

Dealing With Cold and Aloof Women

Men often complain about the coldness and aloofness of women in the city. I know there is a lot of truth to it (having lived in Toronto before), but I can also see some of the women's point of view where they are deliberately cold to avoid getting hit on by guys they don't like. So what I'm going to say will either make total sense in its simplicity, or you'll dismiss as BS. So here goes:

If the person doesn't make it easy for you, move on!

That's it. This one single statement is the solution to the complaints men have about women acting cold and/or being aloof.

If someone does not put in a certain level of energy and enthusiasm into an interaction then it makes no sense for me to continue to invest my own time and energy.

For example, if a woman won't make eye contact with me, I won't bother trying to talk to her.

If a woman does make eye contact and I say hi, and then she says hi, I will say a few words to test the waters. But if her responses are CLIPPED and short and I can tell she is just trying to be polite, I quickly end the conversation and move on. I don't push or persist, even though some would say it's the "manly" thing to do. Uh-uh... that never works. She made up her mind. And it's the same thing with us men. Would you want a girl to persist when you aren't into her? I wouldn't.

Another example, if she smiles at you and you smile back, leave it up to her to initiate conversation. Don't all of a sudden go into pursuing mode and start hitting on her. It's a really simple concept and it's an extension of the above statement: She *has* to do her part. But you might be thinking that she's waiting for me (the guy) to say something. Well, all I can say is that, having taken "the bait" many times in the past, it has to be much better bait than her just smiling and leaving the rest up to me. Remember, she has to make it easy for you! Just like you have to make it easy for her. Think of it as 50/50. Not 80/20 or whatever.

Here are some more examples:

• If a woman turns away from you when you walk near her, don't talk to her.

• If a woman looks at you from across a room don't talk to her, unless she makes some effort to meet you halfway (i.e. by walking closer to you). But don't drag your ass to where she is just because she looked at you.

• If a woman purposely positions herself near you, but won't look you in the eye, don't talk to her. In fact, walk to another area away from her since chances are she is blocking someone who is willing to talk to you.

From here you can probably start to see what I'm talking about. It's basically give and take.

Once you adopt this mindset you stop thinking of things like "I shoulda done this or that", and you also stop second-guessing your actions when you have the mindset that you only need to do your part and nothing more.

You can extend this philosophy to other areas of life but in this post I'm just going to focus on the guy-meets-girl dynamic.

I've had girls hover near me at the Chapters downtown, while I was browsing books. I used to take that as a sign of interest and start a conversation, only to find out that they weren't interested in chatting. And then I'd get angry about it. But there's no point. If she wants to chat she will find a way. Unless she is too shy of course. But nowadays I'm not in the business of compensating for other people's shortcomings. If it's not given to me on a plate I refuse to eat!

Other times women have asked me what time it is. And then I told them the time, and then they would give me a look like "why the fuck would you tell me the time!" LOL. So yeah, they probably wanted to talk to me, but they gave me nothing to work with, plus it's a lame way of trying to get a conversation going. However, saying something like "how's your day going?" works GREAT! It's easy to segue into conversation from there. Remember that, ladies.

Guys, it's not your job to do more than 50% of the work. They make it easy for you or they don't. It's that simple.

Also, if you see women wearing revealing clothing and they smile at you, don't automatically assume they want to get fucked by you. Test the waters (assuming you're attracted) and follow the simple rule, and be prepared to eject at any time if it starts getting to be too much effort to keep the interaction going.

This is a good check and balance system. If enough guys start doing this, women will start internalizing a better belief system where men are concerned. Not the least of which is that they will stop assuming that just because they dress sexy guys will want to fuck them, without them having to do anything else (like being able to carry on a decent conversation). In addition, the bitch shields will start to go down because there's no longer anything to shield against. And women will start doing more of their share of the work for a change.

The Vicious Cycle

It's my belief that there's a sort of vicious cycle going on in the city of Toronto, kind of like a positive feedback, in which many women brush off men in ways that frustrate and anger them, and as a result these men come back from these experiences affected in a negative way. And in some cases this pent up frustration/anger affects their approaches/attempts when meeting other women, either by being more aggressive or less polite, and this gives more "reason" for the women to blow them off.

Now, this is not always the case. Some guys do pick themselves up, dust themselves off and start fresh. And some do meet nice girls as a result. But there's still that large percentage that cannot connect. And having lived here as a male I can say that many women in this city are not inclined to meeting men in public places and bars. However, I have met a few nice ones and the one pattern I've noticed is that these women are not from the city. They are either visiting, foreigners now living here, or back from a long vacation in which they no doubt gained some positive perspective while being away.

It seems there is something in the city that is getting in the way of people hooking up, and both sides have to share blame in that. Lots of reasons for this are tossed around including feminism, political correctness, guys are too aggressive or rude, women are stuck up, or whatever. On the one hand you hear that guys have trouble meeting women in public places, and on the other hand you hear some women say they are biased against meeting men in public places. On the one hand you hear that some women do want to pick up guys and take the initiative, but on the other hand you hear that the guys run away from them or consider them "sluts" for doing so.

Both sides are contributing to this and both sides are blind (to some extent) to the role they are playing in exacerbating this. This is a city wide problem which appears to have no other explanation other than "osmosis" - people often take on thinking/behaviour patterns with enough exposure, that don't necessarily come from their own ethical insight. So where does it come from? Well that's a chicken and egg question. I think it's partly to do with extreme feminism, a city-wide desire to be "American" by trying to emulate the U.S. (and overdoing it sometimes), media exposure, and that positive feedback thing I mentioned.

So what do you do when so many people around you are caught up in this groupthink?

I know it's hard to rise above it when you continue to run into people who don't see the problem and don't rise above it. You feel you are not being rewarded for going out on a limb. And it can get frustrating.

But there is a solution and it first starts with you. I believe that it's best to first understand that all this is happening, how it's happening, and put it in a proper perspective. Understand the role you play and keep note of your behaviour. Swallow your ego/pride if you have to. And start with a clean slate. Have the ability to consider each person separately, not as an extension of other people from your past, and not based on prejudices. Fix your relationship with yourself by making an effort to deal with your issues first before you try to include other people in your life to share good times with.

Once that's done you can start meeting people, but perhaps a bit differently than the way you've done before.

For guys, what I suggest is pretty straightforward and based on my own experiences (as a male). It may sound extreme and unrealistic but it works. When you go out somewhere, don't go out for the sole purpose of meeting women. This is very important. If you go to the bookstore for example, go there primarily to browse and read books. And if you just happen to notice someone whom you might be interested in, talk to her, assuming you aren't going out of your way of course. She could be standing next to you waiting for the bus or just browsing a book near you. Just make a comment or whatever on something. You don't have to try and be witty or use some clever line. Just open your mouth and say something. If she responds favorably then you say something else and with luck a conversation will develop, and you go from there. But if she doesn't respond favorably, either with clipped responses or lack of eye contact, or even not responding at all you must STOP right there. Don't say anything else and move on. You just go back to what you were doing. This is not rejection in the same sense because you aren't there for meeting women. You are there to do your own thing. So there's never a feeling of putting in the effort for nothing, and because it was a byproduct of you going out and doing your thing, you won't attach a lot of significance towards meeting someone or not. Also your vibe will be better because you won't have that hungry salesman look where you're always looking to close. And people in general tend to respond to that better anyway.

The same goes for bars and clubs. Go there to hang out with friends or just to unwind. But don't go there primarily to pick up. Have no expectations in this regard. Chat. Socialize. Don't linger or cling to girls. Don't force conversation. Don't try to convince or win her over. Don't use "game". Just talk a bit about whatever. Don't waste a lot of time. Know what you want from women at this stage in your life and get to the point sooner rather than later. But be friendly and not rude about it. And be prepared to move on quickly if she isn't interested. No getting upset either. And no running around the bar trying to get other girls. You either go back to your friends or resume chilling out by the bar, dance floor, or whatever. Let it happen naturally is what I'm saying.

Of course, you can also let girls come to you. Yes, they are fully able to initiate and pick up guys, especially when they aren't chasing after them. And some are craving that opportunity given that they are so used to men doing all or most of the work. Assume they are your equal in this regard. In fact they are.

Don't harshly judge women for initiating. You can even drop hints that you like women that go after what they want. Make it easy for them to pursue you if they choose.

Remember the word, byproduct. Treat meeting women as a byproduct of your life. Whether you meet someone or not. Whether you get laid or not. Treat it as secondary to you going out and having a good time using your own internal sense of happiness. I know it can be hard for some guys to switch gears and stop pursuing women like they are used to doing. But remember that girls are just as capable of pursuing men. They are your equals in this regard. You can definitely do a lot less and get more return for your efforts.

As for the women, my advice is basically a mirror of the above advice for guys, with only a few differences. The first is to be willing to take the initiative with men, if you aren't already doing so. You have to be willing to let go of your reasons not to. Know that you are not a "slut" for doing what you really want. And know that it is of no consequence to YOU if anyone does happen to think that you are. Move on if you run into such a person.

Also, have the understanding that men don't "use" women for sex the way it is often stated. It's impossible to use someone if you're both doing the same thing, with consent.

As well, be open to meeting guys anywhere. Why, because cool fun guys exist everywhere. Don't let a few bad apples poison your views.

Don't let friends run your show. Don't let them keep tabs on you and dictate what you should or shouldn't do. Choose your friends wisely. They should respect what you do, but at the same time you don't have to tell them everything.

Lastly, find fulfillment from your own life, and in the same vein try and understand deep down what role you want men to have in your life. And don't be swayed externally one way or the other what that role should be. Don't want men just for validation the same way some men want women for validation. And don't read books that teach manipulation to get a man (the same goes for guys who read books on manipulation on how to get women). The best partners are the ones who don't manipulate but also won't be manipulated. Trust your ability to figure things out on your own.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Chemistry Is Bullshit

Many women make a big deal out of needing chemistry and sparks to connect with a man. Well gentlemen, chemistry is pretty much bullshit, and I'll tell you why.

Chemistry is a self-induced construct brought on by too much exposure to daytime TV and romanticized ideals. It's based on the delusional belief that the grass is always greener and that there's always a better deal out there.

Chemistry is also a convenient way of shifting responsibility away from yourself and onto others, so that you never have to take any share of the blame when things don't work out. You simply say that an indescribable something was "lacking" and move on. Many women habitually pull out the chemistry card when trying to justify why they can never meet anyone they like.

This pattern of behaviour has strong ties to the consumerist mindset. If there is a slight flaw in the packaging the "product" is overlooked. And we all know how much women love to shop.

Consider that you could have a better personality and be better looking than a woman but she might still feel that something is lacking. This is quite common by the way.

Often times these women go into interactions with a lack of enthusiasm, and a dismissive attitude. So it's no wonder they never seem to connect with anyone.

Nowhere in the chemistry manual does it say that women need to look at themselves and make the effort, and that is the problem.

For some women, the pursuit of chemistry is basically the pursuit of emotions, not compatibility. They want a drug in the form of a man to give them those highs and lows that they crave. Women tend to be more hedonistic than men (think chocolate) so this tends to be more an issue with them.

The other thing about chemistry is that women have the capacity to not care about it when the circumstances benefit them. Consider that some women will sleep with you if it gives their self-esteem a boost. Why do you think college girls chase after frat boys so much? Because these are usually the guys with high status on campus. These guys could be total dorks in person but because these girls can gain social status by fucking them, chemistry isn't an issue. The same goes for rock stars and groupies.

If you want to see for yourself how irrelevant chemistry is, tell a woman who flaked on you that you just want to be friends, and watch how friendly she becomes towards you. Who knows, she might even seduce you. That happened to me. Twice.

There are only two things that matter when meeting someone -- attraction and compatibility; which basically means that you are willing to sleep with them AND you get along well. That's all you need. Why do you think friends with benefits works so well? Because it's based on attraction and compatibility, not pretenses.

So guys, don't worry about giving women chemistry and sparks. It's a fantasy concept. When you meet a woman just act natural, and don't try to be something you aren't. This way, if things don't work out it will either be her fault or no one's fault.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Types of Women Who Have Casual Sex

There are basically two types of women who will regularly engage in casual (no-strings) sex. The first type is a woman with high self-esteem. She's comfortable with her sexuality and has no issues with having sex outside of committed relationships. These women are ideal as Friends With Benefits on an ongoing basis. They never (or rarely) create drama and have gotten a handle on their ego and emotions. These women are usually quite intelligent and have a lot going for them. Therefore, they are less dependent on validation from men, since their self-worth is not connected to "keeping a man" using sex as a bargaining chip. Thus, they are able to fully enjoy sex by itself. These women are less common in this part of the world.

The second type is a woman with low self-esteem. She has the natural desire to have sex outside of committed relationships, but at the same time is unable to cope with the other need she has, which is to follow social norms. These norms could be imposed by family, friends, or the culture in which she lives. She may also have a strongly religious upbringing which makes her predicament even more stressful. This type of woman may spend many years of her youth resisting her sexual urges. She may settle into a long-term relationship, which partly takes care of her sexual needs. But eventually the relationship becomes boring and unfulfilling since it doesn't fully satisfy her. So a boiling point is reached and there is a breakup, or divorce. Having reached her limit of frustration she will start having promiscuous sex with different men in spite of her conditioning. She is finally rebelling. She may get into casual relationships with men for a few weeks or months at a time. But eventually those relationships turn sour as well. She starts feeling "used", and may start demanding a committed relationship in exchange for all the sex she has "given". She may even resort to withdrawal and manipulation tactics to trap the man into a relationship. This is part and parcel with the feelings of guilt she has for her "slutty" behaviour, but may also be related to growing feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. Now that the most acute edge of her sexual urges has been dealt with, her conditioning re-asserts itself, and she basically reverts back to her former mindset. The problem is that she still hasn't fully addressed her self-esteem issues to begin with. She was only able to break free of the bonds due to extreme sexual frustration. But the core issues are still there. She may eventually go back to a committed relationship until frustration builds up again and she is back out there being promiscuous. And the cycle repeats. Sometimes women break out of this vicious cycle, and sometimes they don't. As it turns out, these women are more common in this part of the world. There have been studies done in North America which have linked female promiscuity to higher rates of neuroticism. It is obvious why.

In contrast, in places like Eastern Europe, female promiscuity is usually associated with higher self-esteem (less neuroticism). This is generally due to more liberal views towards sex and deliberate efforts to disconnect religion from sexuality.

The same studies have also found that promiscuity among males is generally associated with having high self-esteem. This makes sense, since men are generally encouraged to "sleep around", and doing so doesn't carry nearly as much negative social stigma.

The way to deal with a woman in the latter category is to simply let her go once she starts making trouble. It's highly unlikely that you will be able to reason with her. So just cut your losses, thank her for the good time, and move on.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Plentyoffish Is Biased

A while back, the dating website Plentyoffish deleted a post I made in the forum in which I commented on the unoriginality of many women's profiles. It seems that freedom of speech is not permitted when you have a (politically incorrect) opinion critical of the actions of some.

I had read about this sort of thing happening to other guys, so I'm not too surprised it happened to me as well. But fortunately I saved a copy of the "offending" post given that it might just end up in oblivion under the heavy-handedness of the feminazi forum moderators. Here is the post below:

Comment on Women's Profiles

I have read many women's profiles and have found that a great deal of them sound generic and unoriginal. The same type of themes keep coming up over and over, such as: "looking for Mr. Right", "looking for butterflies", "like to have fun", "enjoy walks on the beach", "enjoy nice dinners", "want a guy who can make me laugh", and if they're from the Toronto area: "must like dogs".

Don't get me wrong, these are all nice things, but the problem is that there is a lack of individuality. Furthermore, these type of profiles don't give guys anything to work with in terms of writing a response. And if they do respond it's almost certain that the response is going to be unoriginal as well. In reality, it tends to reflect the unoriginality of the profile which they are responding to. And it's funny, one of the biggest complaints women have is that the guys write simple (boring) responses which lack substance. IMO you cannot complain about that if the profile you wrote is equally lacking in substance.

But just for the sake of argument, let's imagine what a man could say in response to the above themes:

"I'm also looking for butterflies"

"Yes I like dogs too, and I can make you laugh...let's talk"

Now this would of course sound fake. Result: delete

Now, I've read a few profiles where the women really make the effort to dig deep into who they are. They aren't trying to follow convention like most people do and basically just tell the truth about themselves. And the result is a profile worth responding to.

The other thing I've noticed is that the more "sexy" pictures a woman has up, the greater the chance that she will write a generic unoriginal profile. But these women are hardly crying for attention since the pictures are all the bait that's needed for most guys.

I think if guys make a point of only messaging women who write good profiles with sufficient detail and originality then you would see things become much more balanced around here. And both sides would benefit.

* * * * *

So the question becomes, how does one speak out against something that he or she knows to be true but which may make some people uncomfortable. The fact is, the truth sometimes IS uncomfortable. That's life. But you can't censor honest opinion just to protect the sensitivities of certain groups of people.

But this isn't the first incident I've experienced with Plentyoffish. They deleted another one of my posts in the past which basically said that men should stop chasing after women.

Apparently, whether a thread is deleted or not is based on community vote. Sounds pretty democratic right? But the problem is that the community members (e.g. the moderators) are not democratically minded. The site, in particular the forums, are full of anti-male vitriol and pro-female platitudes. It's something I always noticed and I figured at the time it was just the result of unbalanced points of view. But now I'm convinced that it's in large part the result of censoring.

Economically speaking, it makes sense for the site owner - Markus (sell out) Frind - to structure the site so that it panders to women. This will lure more women to the site. And where the women go legions of men will be sure to follow. This means more ad revenue since the majority of the members are always men. For every woman that he can get to sign up, something 2-3 men will follow. It's a brilliant business model. But it's also very exploitive, using the weakness and desperation of many men as a market tool to drive up profits. And he can tout the fact that it's a free site all he wants. But in fact, there is a price to be paid. It is paid by the men who are on the receiving end of the fraudulent and discriminatory practices of the site.

Using Dating Sites To Meet Women

Buyer Beware. Dating sites can be an incredible waste of time if you don't know what you're doing. As it stands, dating websites are massively skewed in the favor of women. I once created a fake woman's profile on lavalife and in a matter of minutes I got more instant messages than I would get in one year with my (guy) profile. This creates an interesting dynamic. Women who sign up for dating websites and who remain signed up are often times only interested in attention. No attractive sane woman would stay signed up on a dating website for long, if she gets hundreds of messages a day. So it's almost always a waste of time communicating with women who regularly get tons of messages.

Take for instance, Plentyoffish is a free dating website, and because it's free the men tend to flock there more than to sites where you must pay to use. There are about 2-3 men for every woman. And the women literally get swamped with messages, even if they're not that attractive. This dynamic basically scares away the sane (best) women, and attracts the attention-seekers who have no intention of meeting anyone.

Some other things on plentyoffish that attract attention seekers are the rate-my-picture feature, favorites feature, and the forums. The rating feature is an obvious lure for attention-seekers, and so is the favorites feature. The forums are basically places to "gossip". So here you have all these things which lure women but for the wrong reasons; reasons which have nothing to do with wanting to meet people.

So can you meet women from plentyoffish? Yes, once in a while. But the good ones are few and far between. Better to just let women message you. Or use a website where you have to pay to use. Chances are good that the male/female ratio is much more even. And the chances of connecting with someone are much better.

Another useless website for meeting people is The reasons for it being useless are basically the same as for plentyoffish.

There's a website called Okcupid which I tried out for a few weeks. It's free to use, but again, a waste of time. It has these fun question games which are mostly geared towards getting women to sign up.

Hotornot is also waste of time for the most part. Women usually sign up on there to see if they are "hot or not", and not to meet men.

So you see a pattern. The more "bait" a website uses to lure female members, the worse it is. And the leaner a dating website is, the better it is for meeting women. If you take out forums, rating features, favorites, fun question games, etc you tend to lure more women who are interested in meeting men.

This hints at a dark side. Owners of dating websites tend to include features that will appeal mostly to women, knowing that this will in turn lure even more men. Take plentyoffish for instance, for every woman the owner can get to sign up, 2-3 men will sign up, which of course means more ad clicking and more revenue. It's a basic economic model.

But it doesn't stop there. Plentyoffish is very pro-female and anti-male for the same basic reason of economic supply and demand. So in the interest of making the most profit the website caters to women and discriminates against men. I'll talk more about this in another post. But right now I'm going to move on.

So what are the best dating websites?

Over the years I have found lavalife and yahoo personals to be the best. I met the most women from these two sites. And for Toronto and area, lavalife is hands-down the best website given that so many use it.

These two websites are not without their share of problems however, but they are more tolerable, provided you do certain things and avoid others.

I put together a list of dos and don'ts. These are guidelines which will allow you to use dating websites efficiently without a lot of wasted effort.

• When writing a profile, have standards and screen. If you have a range of height that you like in a woman state it. If you have a body type you like, state that as well. Don't be afraid to state your physical preferences. You want to get out of the mindset of being willing to take whatever you can get. Say no to women if your intuition tells you it's a bad idea. If you want a casual/sexual relationship, say so. Don't pretend to want something long term just to get more responses. The truth is that you might get more responses but the general quality will be lower. It's better to narrow it down to what you want and get fewer responses, but of higher quality.

• Have nice pictures. Avoid webcam shots. If you can, use pictures of you when you're out with your friends, or whatever.

• Only message women that have unique profiles. Avoid responding to the generic sounding profiles. The profiles that show true individuality are the ones you can easily respond to since you won't be scratching your head wondering what to say. If you are wondering what to say then it's probably best to move on, no matter how hot her pics look. I personally never met a woman that had sexy pictures and a boring profile.

• Make sure the profiles you respond to have clear pictures. If the pictures are somewhat blurry or are taken at an angle, then they are trying to hide something, either wrinkles or body fat. So no matter what they look like they must have clear pictures. It's a matter of accurate representation.

• Don't message women that have excessively sexy pictures, like boob shots. They are only after attention.

• Meet quickly, or move on. Chat briefly on MSN or phone and then set up a meet over drinks, or whatever. There's no reason to prolong this. If she wants to be careful then she can meet you in a public place and see the real you, not send a bunch of messages back and forth hoping that she gets more comfortable.

• Lastly, some women hide their profiles and prefer to initiate first contact with men they are interested in. This makes sense since the alternative for them is receiving tons of messages and not having the time to read them all. So if you get a message from a woman who's profile is hidden, trust me, that's usually a good thing!

I want to make an important note on lavalife. They have a smile feature. You send smiles to people and they can choose to smile you back. And then you can message them with greater certainty that they are interested. But I discovered a disturbing statistic from past use. Out of 10 women who smiled me back only one would actually meet me. The other 9 women didn't bother responding to my invitation to talk further on MSN or the phone. This statistic held true even when I varied the opening message a bit. I would write them, saying something along the lines of "how are you doing?" And when (if) they responded I would then suggest talking on MSN or the phone. But 9/10 times I got no response. And it was all friendly and polite, so there was nothing odd about how I went about it.

This means that most women who smile you back on lavalife aren't interested in chatting further or meeting. My guess is that their interest level is so low that they barely have enough motivation to return the smile. Alternatively, some of these women probably have antisocial personality disorders where they don't "comprehend" the purpose of the "smile", and are like deers frozen in the headlights when faced with the possibility of taking an interaction to the next level.

In the past, lavalife had a payment system where you had to pay for individual credits which could be used to send messages. And sadly, 90% of my credits were wasted on women who didn't write back, even though they had returned my smile. But now they have monthly subscriptions where you can send unlimited messages for a flat rate. That is much, much better.

I personally use the dating section and the intimate section, on lavalife. I have the same profile for both in which I basically mention that I'm looking for no-strings-sex. Some women in the dating section are looking for no-strings-sex but they don't post in the intimate section because they would be swamped by messages. Furthermore, women in the intimate section tend to be flaky. One can only guess at the reasons. One reason is that they are just after the attention. In the intimate section women get many more messages than in the dating and relationship section. Another possible reason is that they know the jig is up. They can't pretend to want dates, or relationships, so they must own up to the fact that they primarily want sex. And this scares some of them. So when it comes time to meet they will flake on you. It's lame I know. But this is why you want to suggest meeting sooner rather than later, so either way you don't waste a lot of time.

Monday, May 25, 2009

The Best Women

Here's an insider tip which some men are aware of. But probably most aren't.

In general and statistically speaking, the best women are the ones that are seeking short-term fun, or friends with benefits. Why is that? The reason is simple. Women who seek long term committed relationships are in the "high risk" category for being manipulative. For instance, if you go to a bookstore, you'll see that virtually all the books that teach women how to get a man are geared towards long-term committed relationships, or marriage. And most (if not all) teach manipulation tactics (e.g. The Rules).

But there are no books that teach women how to score a one-night stand or casual flings because (generally speaking) that's easy to get and it's not the "prize" many women are after. As a result, manipulation is not nearly as tempting a strategy for achieving this.

So, to bypass most of the trickery and potential for deceit, focus only on women who want no-strings sex.

Now, I will say that it is possible to succeed by starting off in long-term relationship mode, but it's quite risky because so many women who consciously seek this have been indoctrinated into the belief that manipulation is the way to go to attract and keep a man. You can blame the media and pop culture for that.

Now, I'm sure there are women who genuinely seek long-term relationships and who don't want to manipulate. But you will have to deal with a lot of bad women and invest a lot of time to find someone worthwhile using this approach. And it could take a negative toll on your psyche. So the best way is to start off casual no matter what and tell women upfront that this is what you want. And then maybe get into a relationship down the road (if that's what you want). That's the healthy and most risk free path to take. You avoid most of the game players and manipulators. And in fact, some of the healthiest relationships are the ones that start off casually. The reason: no games.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Taking Women To Dinner - Why?

This is always a heated topic of debate. Many people have the notion that when a man asks a woman out he is supposed to take her to dinner.

Now, I personally don't have a problem with men taking women to dinner IF it's something they genuinely feel like doing, and they don't expect anything in return. But the problems occur when men think they HAVE to take women to dinner to have a shot at romance. For one thing this is a weak position to come from since you are essentially begging, and secondly it can put the woman in an awkward position of feeling that she owes the man something.

Believe it or not, there are ways to get to know someone without having to dish out a lot of money.

I have never taken a woman to dinner that I just met. And I met tons of women over the years. At most I would meet for drinks. And almost always they were okay with it. Sure, there were a few instances where the women hinted at dinner but I stood my ground, and it's never been an issue.

And by the way, in some instances the women ended up paying for their drinks anyway. I didn't insist that they pay. They offered to pay their share.

Let's get some comments. What position do you guys take, and why?