Monday, December 3, 2012

Reader Submission From Belgium

Introduction

I’m a guy from Belgium, 26 years old. I met my first girlfriend when I was about 22 years old. Before that I didn’t have a lot of success with girls. The fact that I was a little bit of a nerd, who played video games and wore big glasses, probably didn’t help.

The walls in my small study room were completely covered with posters of various games, which I got from tons of game magazines. One day, a friend of mine adviced me to remove them all. When I asked him why he told me that girls wouldn’t like that. So I took them all away and replaced them with artistic posters of landscapes and other boring stuff. This was the first time I threw something away that I truly liked for the only sake of improving my chances with girls.

Discovering PUA

When my first girlfriend broke up with me, I was really devastated. I believed that I had done something terribly wrong which caused the break-up. The relationship only lasted 3 months and I was still a virgin afterwards.

A couple of weeks later a friend introduced me to PUA. I downloaded “the game”, “mystery method”, “double your dating” and some other books, and I absorbed all the material and techniques like a sponge. A whole new world opened up for me. For the first time in my life I would never have to worry about finding a new girlfriend again. And I would never have to worry about losing them again.

I started going out with a positive mindset and a lot off confidence. If a girl were to reject me, it wasn’t my fault. My game just wasn’t perfect yet. If I would have said X instead of Y, she would have given me her number. Somehow, me screwing up wasn’t really “me” screwing up any more.

A couple of months pass. One night, I’m at a club. I start talking to a girl, which by a major coincidence turned out to be one of my new neighbours. She was clearly interested and we exchanged numbers. A couple of days later I had a one night stand with this girl and I lost my virginity.

In the same week, I met another girl in a pub which would become my second girlfriend. She was really attractive. In fact, most people, including my parents, thought she was out of my league. They couldn’t understand why a girl like her would be with me. Off course I was convinced I had everything, including the one night stand, to thank to PUA. And I thought that, if I kept doing everything according to the rules, she would stay attracted and stay with me. But I was wrong.

I did a lot of things in this relationship which I regret today. I wasn’t myself. For example, I would on purpose not invite her somewhere just to send the signal that I’m alpha and that I didn’t really need her. I would never send a text message first. If I responded to a text message, I would think 15 minutes at minimum to send “the best” text back. A text that would convey value. I would always try to be the leader, to choose the pubs where we would meet. I would always drive and pick her up at her house. I would always stay calm, keep my posture. I would set her in her place when I thought it was needed. I did a lot of stuff that I actually didn’t want to do, but which I did because I thought it would keep her attracted to me.

But 3 months later (again) I notice her losing interest. I started to worry. Was this normal? I am staying true to all the concepts of PUA but I feel her slipping away? What do I need to do? My confidence dropped. And not only did she lose interest, but she started acting disrespectful. It became worse every day. But instead of standing up for myself, I was completely focused on what to do to save this, to reset everything back to the way it used to be.

It was no use. I still remember the sad look on her face as she walked in my place. I asked her if she still wanted to be with me and she slowly shaked her head. She said that she lost her feelings and that they would not come back. For me this was my first real relationship and I felt that I blew it, again.

The first weeks after the break up, I handled myself reasonably well. I still believed in PUA, so I would find and seduce another girl soon. However, I was also hurt and confused. I really liked her. I couldn’t understand why she left me. I did everything right.

Discovering John’s Blog

After my second break-up I started bodybuilding. I had a lot of anger in me so I released it in the gym. I completely devoted my time to my training. I would go to work, go home, eat, train and sleep, 5 days in a week, and this for the next year and a half. I added about 34 pounds off muscle.

I didn’t have a new girlfriend during this time. I first wanted to figure out what went wrong in my previous relationships. I was still reading PUA material, but I started to question it’s validity. I googled the words “PUA” and “SCAM” and arrived at John’s blog “lifestyle journey for men: THE PUA SCAM”.

I started reading his blog. He explained all the flaws in the PUA industry and he started to open my eyes. It took me another year before everything clicked together in my head.

Where I am today

I don’t bodybuild as much as before. I noticed that I was heading in the same direction as PUA once again. This time, I wasn’t trying to use some techniques but some muscles to improve my chances with girls. What’s next? A car? Money? Status? I need to stop using some theory or method to get girls. 

We forget that we are born as men. And a heterosexual girl is attracted to men. That’s it. We don’t need to do anything special. The most important ones are in my opinion:
  • Don’t be clingy /needy /desperate

  • Be well groomed

  • Take care of your health

  • Stand up for yourself when needed

  • Don’t let other people or events control your life

  • Do what you are passionate about
This is off course quite normal and general advice, as it should be.

Today I can look back on my past 2 relationships with a completely different mindset. My first girlfriend didn’t leave me because I had done something wrong (even though she made me believe that) but because she simply didn’t want me any more and searched for excuses to leave.

The girl from the one night stand thought I was cute and wanted to have sex. I was at the right time at the right place. It’s all coincidence. I could have said 10 different things and I would have still slept with her

Same can be said about my second girlfriend. She also thought I looked handsome and wanted me. Again coincidence. The fact that I got 2 girls in the same week is still just coincidence. I can’t pull this off every week.

Next week I’m going on a speed-dating event. I don’t expect anything special to happen. I’m just looking forward to having some normal conversations with girls again. We’ll see.

I’m gonna leave you with a thought that I had a couple of weeks ago which IMO should make every PUA believer out there question what they are doing:

People used to believe that doing a certain dance would make it rain. If it would rain a couple of days later then they had proof that the dance worked. If not, they must have done something wrong to piss off the Gods.

Some men now believe that using a certain PUA technique makes them more attractive with girls. If a girl is attracted, then this is proof that PUA works. If not, they must have done something wrong.”

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

>>A couple of days later I had a one night stand with this girl and I lost my virginity<<

I'm amazed you actually got near a girl. I still find it hard to accept women actually have sex with or go near men. I am a presentable, quite good looking man who always struggled with this, thinking it was only a matter of time before getting a girlfriend. It never happened in UK and I'm 50 now.

Anonymous said...

>>She also thought I looked handsome and wanted me<<

I still believe strongly, looks alone in men are a red herring as far as attracting women. Money - status - social proof of some kind almost always have to be there first. Even if you had no money, it must have been the perceived social proof somewhere.

Anonymous said...

Some men now believe that using a certain PUA technique makes them more attractive with girls. If a girl is attracted, then this is proof that PUA works. If not, they must have done something wrong.”

Exactly, when in reality its just time and chance that caused their success, but they misinterpret it as skill.

I'm starting to believe the only real success for average guys is in numbers/law of averages. Its just like being in a casino and the more you play the higher you have a chance of winning. The problem with pua is it gives men false "cheat codes" to give them better results with the casino.

They sell bad advice like get your game up, but how the heck can you get your game up when the system is like a casino other than doing mass approaches?

Anonymous said...

If only there were more men in the media like this - Marc Rudov

Will She Take YOU to Dinner? (Youtube debate/Interview)
http://tinyurl.com/b74t7hz

Marc's Site
http://thenononsenseman.com

John said...

Women always bring up romance as a reason for men having to pay for the date. And when questioned on that they attempt to strengthen their position by saying that men and women are different, hence men need to pay as a way to acknowledge and respect that difference. Women sneakily tie in respect and romance with men paying. Hence when men refuse this they automatically become the villain who doesn't want to respect and romance women. In other words, an argument for equality (which women want) becomes an attack on women. Only logic can defeat this argument since it's impossible to win on emotional grounds. I like Marc Rudov's argument that the man has to pay for her half of the vacation but if she goes with friends, even a richer friend, she pays her way. Clearly the biological/emotional necessity to be wined, dined and payed for only kicks in when there is a man accompanying you.

Anonymous said...

Marc Rudov -- No Harmony Without Equality

This is fantastic! You can see women hate being exposed for double standards. Women are capitalists at work and socialists with men.

This shows how to deal with women.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDyzR13pHlo

Anonymous said...

The unfair Dating scene and Female Power

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdwPMtSaAPg&feature=endscreen&NR=1

A frank and intelligent discussion.

Anonymous said...

steve hoca and winston wu are both excellent speakers. I sugggest you guys check out hoca's interviews on this guys channel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEXEKcaH7wo

The German said...

Hey.

I listened to Marc Rudov on youtube.
The things he says are true. I like how he engages in argument with that 2 women in the back and wins logically.
He basically comes to the same conclusion, you come too, when you read that free blog and the free ebook or have some experience with women.

The thing i do not like is, that his coaching prices on his website are absurdely high. 125 dollars for half an hour, for stuff you can read for free over the internet.

I did not read his ebooks. But i wonder if they are needed. I think not, but i can be wrong of course. He spelled out his solution in one of the videos i watched:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDyzR13pHlo

1. Be equal with women.
2. "There are not many real women out there".

That means you have to do numbers game to scan. And use your own personality and search for a women which treats you as equal. And of course, you need some social skills.
But thats it. Nothing to add here.
The notion that women are more sexual than men is in my opinion a "great" hook to sell his ebooks. Again, i doubt they contain something new, but stretched out content with fillers.
And even if women are more sexual than men, it does not change the current situation: "There are not many real (= equal oriented) women out there."

So he is just another salesman, who stretches out the basics, to be able to sell more.
But he is not damaging to your personality at all. He is largely selling the truth for quite a few bucks.

Some will say he is justified to take so much money for the truth + semi true hooks, although you can read the truth in great detail on johns blog or elsewhere for free.

Some will say he is not.


Anonymous said...

numbers game is so time consuming but unfortunately its the best way to cope with this bad dating situation.

Belgium dude said...

Marc Rudov confuses sex drive with pleasure during sex.

He says that a woman is more sexual then a men because she has more sensitive organs and can have multiple orgasms. Therefore, he concludes, men have all the power.

What he forgets is that sex drive is correlated with testosterone. And men have about 10 times more testosterone then woman. So even if a female could have more pleasure during sex, her need for sex will mostly be less then the need of a men.

So in the end, we don't have more power since we want it more.

Marc Rudov may have a couple of points here and there, but I wouldn't consider him a good male role model.

John said...

^^^ I agree. Women aren't as compelled as men to have sex. To women, sex is more like chocolate. They will enjoy it, sometimes very much, and will sometimes crave it as a result, but they don't have that internal strong urge to get sexual release like men do.

Anonymous said...

>>To women, sex is more like chocolate. They will enjoy it, sometimes very much, and will sometimes crave it as a result<<

Only if they are paid or there is massive social proof - ie. the man is some kind of famous performer or has lots of power. I simply cannot accept otherwise. At least in western countries.